The Musings Of Kahn Sharpstripe

11:38AM - To All My Furrymuck Friends

Well guys, as much as it pains me to tell you all this, after 8 years of being on FurryMUCK, I had to call it quits. I had my character toaded the day before this was written. I just couldn't find the time to be on anymore after joining SecondLife, it became too much after having that, Furrymuck, and Faibanx all to occupy my time, so I had to sacrifice one.

To anyone I knew on FurryMUCK who may have a SecondLife account, you can find me on SecondLife under the name Kahn Parkin. To those of you who don't have SecondLife, I'll miss all of you very much.

11:11AM - Don't You Hate It When...........

Don't you hate it when you hear from someone, who swears up and down that they know you, even though you have absolutely NO CLUE who that person is, yet they keep swearing to you that they know you, to the point where it literally creeps you out?

That happend to me here on LJ today...... yeesh! creepy!

6:00AM - The Tig Finds A Second Home

Well folks, time for the tig to blow the dust off this journal and submit another entry. I'm here to inform you that this tig has felt pretty darn good the last three or four days. Why do I feel good you ask? The answer is quite simple, I have found myself a second home outside of FurryMUCK as far as being in a roleplay environment goes.

While this place is only an IRC chat server, it's the most fun I have EVER had in my six years as a furry. Don't get me wrong, my FurryMUCK buds are all that and a bag of chips, but the folks over at offscale.org's chat are just amazing, I haven't met one fur there I can't roleplay with! When you first log on to their chat and go in, the most used room there is the offscale room, and folks, I know from experience, these folks will welcome you with open arms.

I've only been there three days myself, but already, I feel like I've known all of them forever, mostly because some of them I know from other forums or from FurryMUCK also. But even for the ones I didn't know until now, they really know how to make me feel as though I fit in. The one thing I'm glad of the most, is that I'm glad I started off my early days as an IRC chatter, so I know how to work the commands already, which saved me a TON of time.

Anyway, back on topic now. For those furs I've met over on Offscale's chat, I salute each and every one of you, and I thank each and every one of you for making me feel so welcome, and for helping to make me feel like I'm one of you, rather than me feeling as though I'm in the way, you guys are all just so amazing, and I can't thank you all enough for making me feel so welcome and loved.

Current mood: loved

10:28PM - A Confession

As we come into 2008 and make our new year's resolutions, my resolution, is to come clean to all of you about something that has a lot to do with me as a furry, I just hope you all hear me out before you say anything. See, for the past six years, I've been changing my appearance of my character for one reason, and one reason only..... to be accepted.

But now, as we roll into a new year, I've come to realise something that I know I should have realised a long time ago.... I need to be true to myself, which means not trying to follow the rest of the crowd, just to be accepted, I have to stop trying to be something I'm not, and just be me.

See, when I first entered the furry fandom, I made my character into a muscled up brute, thinking that if I did that, I would be accepted by the masses, but then I would start to feel that I wasn't doing enough to be accepted, so I tried other things to gain that acceptance.

Now, six years later, I've come to realise something that I know all of you have tried to tell me five hundred times, that others won't care what my character looks like on the outside, because what they care more about, is the inside, or the personality, which is why, if you go to my furbase information, you will see, that Kahn is now a reflection of my real-life self, which in all honesty, I know he should have been from the very beginning.

I did everything I did to gain acceptance from all of you, but now I know that the only thing I need to do to gain that acceptance, is to be the only thing I can be..... I need to be myself, both in appearance, and personality. So, from this day forward, what you see is what you get, I just hope that when all of you see me on furbase, that what you see will be enough.

I feel ashamed for being a copycat on the ones I know I've copied, because I know deep down that it was wrong, I hope that making my character to be a reflection of my real life self, will help rectify things.

The REAL Kahn, can be found here, this is the real tig, I just hope you still like him.

http://furbase.bigfurs.com/index.php?FurID=2617

Current mood: worried

10:44AM - I've not changed, just added to!

While I'm still the big tig everyone knows and loves, I've taken some time to play with some morphs for those times when I want to be small around some of my friends who are big.

For instance, I have a morph now where I'm only 5'3" and weigh no more than 140 pounds with a slim build, that's for those times when I want to be small enough to get proper hugs. Then, for those times when I want to be really small, I have a micro form, which satisfies those cravings for when I want to be completely towered over.

So, in a sense, I haven't really changed, because I'm still the big tig you all know and love, by still having that huge, muscled build you all are used to, I've just added some forms that I want to have fun with. Just wanted to write this so you all would know I didn't really change per se.

I'm just having a little fun, plus it will give my artist buds who like to draw me, some other forms to play with in their art. ^.^

Current mood: content

5:27AM - Gotta Stop The Lying........

Okay folks, I know I keep coming onto this journal every time with "the real reason" as to why I changed forms all the time, which by the way, I've stopped doing. However, all those "reasons" were lies, because right now, I'm going to share with you the REAL reason why I kept changing forms all the time.

See, back in 2002, I began my life as a furry, finding Lofty Bearing. A fur I knew there walked me through being a furry, then asked me if I had ever heard of FurryMUCK. I told him I'd never heard of it, so he told me how to get signed up, and before I knew it, FurryMUCK had become a part of my life.

As the days went by on FurryMUCK, things started to happen where I would ACCIDENTALLY upset other furs by doing stupid little things, I can't right off remember what they were, but I do know it was enough to have some furs give me the third degree.

Though one day, things happend to where it was just one of those days you just hope you forget. Friends had quit talking to me (I won't mention names), I was being ignored, etc. Having the Kahn character was just hurting too much, because I had lost friendships with the character, so eventually, as you all saw, I started using other forms, but they weren't bringing me any happiness, I would always go back to being a tiger again, even though having that form and that character hurt so bad, because of all that went on.

Finally one day just recently, I decided to change my name, thus how Ranier was born, I thought that would make things better, which it did to some extent, because I did regain my friendships that I had lost, though there was that unhappiness still lurking inside me, so Ranier went from dog to dragon, but even then, that wasn't doing the trick, so then Ranier turned into a horse.

Even though I tried to make it work, the horse thing wasn't doing it for me either. I was having one of those days again, I knew Ranier wasn't working out, but I didn't dare want to go back to using Kahn again, it was just going to hurt too bad, so I tried to stick it out.

Eventually, furs came to me saying how they missed the tiger they had known and loved since the beginning, but I kept telling them that it was going to hurt too bad, knowing how stupid I was as a beginning furry using the character.

Though suddenly, I had this feeling come over me. This may sound strange, but I felt this feeling as if someone was hugging me, like someone was putting their arms around me, even though I was the only one in the room at the time. All of a sudden, I heard this voice in my head saying, "It's time to bring me back, Mike.", as soon as I heard that in my head, I knew who it was, and I knew what I had to do, thus the reason why Kahn made his return.

Kahn is just who I am folks, I can't deny it anymore, and I can't hide from it. I don't care anymore if people have a problem with me, or if they have a problem with the character, although I'm sure nobody has a problem with the character.

I learned that I could change characters and forms 100 times, and it wouldn't matter a hill of beans, because the person BEHIND the character is always going to be the same. It's not what the character looks like on the outside that's important, it's what you put into him inside that matters, and even though I know I haven't been perfect, I'm proud of what Kahn has become, I feel he's come a long way since my beginning days as a furry.

So, that's the story kids, the real, honest-to-goodness, 100 percent truth, make of it what you wish.

10:52PM - I've learned something

Today gave me one of the biggest wakeup calls I've ever had to have given to me by one of my friends. I officially admit, that I've learned the hard way, that doing the things I've done to get attention in the furry fandom, is not the way to get the attention I want, nor is it the way to gain acceptance from others.

If anyone out there is reading this, and you're trying to gain acceptance from others by doing unacceptable things, take it from me, just be yourself. It's not worth losing all the friendships you've worked so hard to build, and it's also not worth ruining a good reputation.

Just be yourself, if others don't accept you, it's their problem, not yours, don't try to fit yourself into their image, fit yourself into YOUR OWN image, just be you.

Words I should have gone by a LONG time ago.....

2:03PM - I'm only hurting people

Well, just recently, I was told that all these form changes have now boiled down to one thing, I've been told that all I'm doing is trying to get attention. I'm now starting to feel like the whole damn fandom is against me, and if it is, just tell me so I can quit now.

It hurts when someone I once went to with all my problems, tells me that I'm only trying to get attention, when I feel this is a serious problem I have. If you have something to say about this, but it's not nice, then please, don't bother commenting on this entry, because I've been hurt enough by the one person I thought cared, but if you have something nice to say, please feel free to comment.

I'm starting to feel sorry that I ever found this fandom, because everything that's ever happened has always been my fault. Yes, I make mistakes on the fandom, we ALL do, but is that any fucking reason to get in my face and make me feel worse for making those mistakes than I already do?

I don't understand, how others can make mistakes, and all they get is a pat on the back and get told not to do it again, but when I do it, I get my head bitten off, doesn't anybody care that I have feelings? Doesn't anybody give a fuck that I'm still trying to find myself as a fur?

9:09AM - Why ME?

I've been in this furry fandom now for a little over 5 years, and I still have YET to find a form that suits me, that I feel comfortable with or that I love. I know I shouldn't say this, but it actually makes me kind of jealous that all my friends in this fandom, can whip up a character, give it a form, and know that that is what the character is supposed to be.

Yet as far as I go, here I sit five and a half years later, and I STILL don't know what it is I want to be, nor what the furry fandom has intended for me to be. I guess my biggest problem is, that I love ALL animals so much, that choosing a form I love is just too hard. I wish I could take all the animals on earth, roll them into one, and give it a form name, but that would take forever, and the description of said character would be way too long.

Could it be that I'm just not meant to be anything at all? Could it be that I'm just wasting my time trying to figure this out? All I know, is I want the form I choose to be macro, that's all I have as far as what it should look like, other than that I have nothing, a blank slate.

What do you guys suggest I do to solve this? Please, if ANY of you read this, PLEASE leave me a comment and help me. :(

Current mood: depressed

11:20AM - Choosing A Form

As some of you know, when I first made Ranier, he started off as a pyrenese mountain dog, though for some reason, I started to feel like bringing a RL animal of mine into the muck world just too silly, so I began thinking of doing a process of making morphs to see what form would suit the name best.

I started out with a 6-foot tall dragon, which I thought at the time was pretty cool, but then wanted to explore other forms, so I then made a 2-inch high fox, which I had a TON of fun with, but even that made me want to explore other forms, so after that, I made a 150 foot white panther, but that form I only used twice.

With each form I made, I only put down a brief description for each, not going into hardly any detail at all, just giving a general idea of what each form was like. I liked all the forms I made, but felt as though a form was missing, so I went with another choice... a horse.

So, this morning I logged on to furrymuck and set to work with making the equine form, a 150 foot tall shire horse. As I began writing the description, I know this will sound weird, but it was almost as if an unseen force was taking over my fingers as I began typing it out, because I found myself going into as much detail as possible on what this form was to look like.

I would say that after ten to twenty minutes of writing, I looked at what I created, and saw a complete masterpiece before me. The next thing I knew, I found myself erasing all those other forms I had, leaving me with this beautiful horse description I had written with my own little fingers.

Now folks, I will tell you, that the last time I wrote a horse form for a character, was back when I played Kahn, and as you may have guessed, a horse named Kahn, just doesn't flow very well. The thing that scares me about the name "Ranier", is that the name could very well go with just about any species of animal, which would mean there's no right or wrong form I could have.

Though getting back to the horse form I created, it just felt like it was right for some reason. I've always loved horses, ever since my mother got the five she has now, I never knew how much joy and peace you could experience just by being close to a horse, they're such gentle creatures, which is why I felt so compelled to erase all those other forms when I created the horse form.

So, there you have it folks, what was once a big, burly mountain dog, is now one of the most beautiful horse characters I've ever created, I hope sometime to ask a furry artist if they could do a pic of the new Ranier, because I can't wait to show you all just how beautiful he is now. ^.^

Current mood: content

10:18PM - A New Friend

FurryMUCK certainly has turned around for me quite suddenly, and I'm proud to say that this has happened in a very good way. Just recently, I've gotten to know a fur I've actually seen around quite a bit, but have also just recently gotten through my shyness to talk to him, his name is Marillion, a really BIG minotaur, who I must say, has a heart as big as he is.

I don't know why I'm so shy about trying to talk to furs I've not talked to before, you would think that with as much as I ramble on here, that I could talk to everyone quite easily, though I'm always afraid I'll annoy someone, even if I don't mean to do it intentionally.

Getting back on topic however, Marillion is just the coolest fur. I may be wrong, but something tells me the big guy has a soft spot in his heart for the smaller furs, and since I'm a microfox, that has to include me, because he scooped me up one time and let me sit on top of his head, which was really nice not having to worry about getting squashed underpaw.

It's nice having friends that care that much about others where they do something like that to ensure your safety, I'm grateful to have friends like that, and now I can say that I'm grateful to have Marillion as one of those friends, I know I've only just met him, but I have a knack for knowing a good fur when I meet one.

Marillion, I raise my tiny glass in honor of you big guy, may this be the beginning of a great friendship!

Current mood: happy

4:28PM - When A Character Blossoms

I did it! I finally did it! my character finally blossomed into what I wanted it to be, a character that I've truly made my own! To see the new and improved Kahn, check out his furbase profile here:

http://furbase.bigfurs.com/index.php?FurID=949&scrolled=0

And yes, for those of you who are wondering, I AM a pawslut, and am not ashamed to say so! :P

Current mood: giddy

6:42AM - I'm Done Fighting

Well, as you might have guessed by looking at the title of this entry, the furs who don't believe in macro and don't know what an imagination is have struck again, by telling me my character is too big and too unimaginative, so I guess there's only one thing to say..... they win.

I'll just spend my remaining days on FurryMUCK being unhappy, all because these furs keep sticking their noses where they don't belong. My spirit and imagination have been crushed by this, never to return. I know some of you loved Kahn big, but apparently that's just not allowed, so you guys have these furs to blame for the Kahn you knew and loved being taken away, because that Kahn doesn't exist anymore, he's been killed.

I guess this is my reward for trying to be a nice person to others on the muck, you be nice to them, then they attack you for no reason, I guess that's why they say nice guys do finish last.

Current mood: crushed

6:34PM - The REAL Big Tig

Well, before I get into this entry, I want to say that happiness has FINALLY been reached where my character is concerned! I never knew that happiness felt this good until recently, that's why, without farther adeiu, I give you, the one, the only, the REAL Kahn.

*Slips IC!*

Yes, my name is Kahn Sharpstripe, but I'm not the tiger all of you have seen over the years. The truth about me is, I'm actually A LOT bigger than you all think. While I do come from a world called Felinius, I actually belong to a race of titans. That's right folks, I'm a macrofur who stands well into the triple digits in height. In fact, to be exact, I stand a towering 650 feet tall to you little itty bitty furs.

Now, keep in mind that while I do understand that some of you may see this size a little extreme, I will tell you that I can't really help being this big, it's just how I was born, I want you all to keep in mind that I'm still the same loveable tig you all have known for years now, except there's just more of me to love.

Now on to something else I may or may not have told all of you, if I haven't shared this, then you're hearing it for the first time. My parents weren't both tigers, my mother was a tiger, but my father was a lion. Now, while normally you would think that that would make me a liger, where I come from, that doesn't happen, so yes, I have a brother Braeden who is a lion like my father was.

My people are very solitary normally, only tending to littles when they come to us. However, my journey to FurryMUCK was such that being around littles helped me to grow to appreciate them more, that being where I get my love and respect for them. I grew to love you little itty bitty guys so much that I couldn't bare the thought of being away from you all, which is why I've grown so close to all of you.

So, in a nutshell, that's who I am. I'm glad that after five years, my player's confidence has gotten high enough that I'm able to share this with you all. Always remember that this does not change how I feel about any of you who read this, I still love all of you just as much as I did the day I met all of you. :)

Thank you all for reading. ^.^

Current mood: peaceful

10:48AM - It stops here

Once again, I've had someone on FurryMUCK try to change my character to suit what THEY want. Well, in the past, I may have given into what they wanted and changed him, but those days are gone, so to any of you out there who plan on telling me what to do with Kahn, I have these words for you, if you get offended, it's not my problem anymore, read it anyway:

I made Kahn who he is because of one reason and one reason only, Kahn is MY vision, Kahn is what he is because he is what I see when I look at him. Kahn is MY character, which DOES NOT give ANYONE the right to change him, because Kahn is NOT YOUR CHARACTER!!!! He's MINE, you hear me? He's MINE MINE MINE!!!

I get SO SICK of people telling me what Kahn should look like, or how big he should be, or that he's too big, or too small. If I want Kahn to be a certain way, it's because it's how I want him. If any of you out there who read this have a problem with what I've created when I see Kahn, then guess what, you don't have to roleplay with me, hell, you don't even have to talk to me anymore, just STOP telling me what to do with him, because he's NOT YOURS, he's MINE!

Current mood: pissed off

4:34PM - Dusting Off The Cobwebs *blows dust away*

Holy cow, can I delay updating this thing OR WHAT? Anyway, I thought I'd dig out the ol' livejournal and write a little something. I'd like to start off with something that happend on FurryMUCK just recently.

I was on the MUCK one day just randomly looking to see who was online, when I noticed a fur whom I hadn't talked to in a long long while was on, this fur's name you ask? None other than the one, the only, the mighty Ramsis. I don't know why I hadn't really spoken to him in such a long time, I guess things just got so busy for me on the muck, and I've met SO MANY other furs, that I guess I had just fallen behind in talking to everyone I know.

Anyway, I really enjoyed talking to him, I even felt relaxed talking to him, even though it had been so long since we had spoken before. Well, after some long talking we decided to try to keep in touch more often, and so far it's worked, so I hope things can keep us with keeping in touch with each other more often.

Ramsis, you're cool bro, it's been great talking to you again, here's to many more opportunities to chat again my friend.

Current mood: content

7:40AM - OOC Entry: The Dream

This entry is kinda overdue, but I wanted to share with you all a dream I had one night about my character:

The dream began with me in my bed asleep, it was perfectly quiet and dark, just the way I like to sleep. I had just drifted off to dreamland, when a noise suddenly woke me. It wasn't a noise that was terribly loud, it sounded more like something rustling around the way something would if it were moving.

I sat up in bed, and on the other end of my room, I saw this LARGE creature sitting down looking at me, this creature was so large, that it's ears touched the ceiling of my room... and it was SITTING DOWN!

Anyway, I looked closer, and noticed that it was a cat. I sat and watched him for a moment or two, and he made no movements that would make me feel like I was in danger, he just sat there and looked at me for a moment. After a few minutes of staring at each other, he started to scoot toward me.

As he got closer, I remember feeling very small, but also very safe. I looked up at this large cat, and as I did, it was as if the light in my room came on or something, because when the room lit up, I noticed it was Kahn!

Now guys, I'm telling you, Kahn in this dream was EVERYTHING I imagined him to be, this big kitty was HUGE! I looked up at him, and immediately, those big, beautiful blue eyes caught my attention. He looked down at me, and just began to purr very gently, I just felt so content when I looked at him.

Next thing I knew, I felt him put his arms under me to pick me up, he must've known I was in a wheelchair and couldn't walk, because he was SO gentle with me. He sat me in his lap and just held me close, those arms of his may have been absolutely huge, but he was so gentle when he hugged me, and those handpaws of his were enormous, almost a foot wide!

Anyway, I remember his voice also, he uttered the words, "I love you" to me. Let me tell ya gang, for such a big tiger, that voice of his would just melt you, it was deep, but very soft and loving, just as I had created Kahn to be, If I close my eyes, I can still see him holding me, and I can hear that beautiful voice of his, and see those gorgeous deep blue eyes.

Gang, this dream I had of Kahn was SO REAL. Sometimes I wish I would have it again, just so I could see Kahn again. I would give everything I own just to have that dream again, because if it meant that I got to see Kahn again, nothing else would matter to me.

Now all of you should understand why it was very important to me that Kahn's description on FurryMUCK be so perfect, because in this dream I just shared with all of you, Kahn was as perfect as I could have ever imagined him..... I just wish I could have that dream again just one more time.

I want to be with Kahn again so badly it's not even funny.

Current mood: content

7:03AM - Soulmates

For a while now on FurryMUCK, I've been talking to a really nice guy on FurryMUCK named TundraWolf. Tundra and I have been good friends since the day we crossed paths, and have had a lot of fun together, only recently, I've felt things become stronger between us.

Now guys, here's where I'm confused. Even though I'm not gay myself, in fact, I'm far from it, I find myself getting that warm, fuzzy feeling whenever I'm around TundraWolf, and that brings me to this question.... does your soul mate HAVE to be of the opposite sex, even if you are straight?

I don't know what to think on this guys, I mean, in my heart I know I'm a straight guy, but my mind is telling me that TundraWolf could be the one I've been looking for, I just wish I knew if what I'm feeling is ok to feel, because right now, I just don't know.

I love TundraWolf a lot, but I wonder, is it normal to have these feelings? Am I making a bigger deal over this than I should? Should I go with my feelings and see if things will work out? If there's one thing I've learned in life, it's that no question has a simple answer, and right now, the question of whether or not I should go with this feels like the toughest question of all.

What do you guys think? Is it normal for a straight guy to have these feelings?..... Oy! I'm so confused! somebody help me!

Current mood: confused

Current music: Me banging my head on my desk in confusion!!!!!

6:56AM - PLEASE Understand

I never thought that I would have to write an entry like this, but I'm afraid some of you (not all of you) who know me leave me no choice. I'm writing this because over the course of the nearly four years I've known some of you, I've gotten frustrated over the fact that around some of you, I feel like I'm not allowed to play my own character my way.

I feel like some of you are trying to get rid of me, like you never wanted me on FurryMUCK in the first place. For instance, I know there are some of you out there who don't care one way or the other whether or not I change my character or not, but then there are a select few of you out there who think it's your obligation to start telling me how to play my own character, and it frustrates me because you all keep snapping reality in on me, telling me the things I do aren't possible.

See guys, when I'm on FurryMUCK, I like to think of myself as an artist who expresses myself through words. I like to create things that are out of the box, or out of the ordinary, but when some of you come along and start telling me the things I do aren't possible, I feel like you're taking my creativity away from me...... and it hurts.

Don't get me wrong guys, I love ALL of you, you're all my friends and you all mean the world to me, I just ask that when you see me on FurryMUCK, and if you see me doing something out of the ordinary with my character, I ask you to PLEASE not take my fun away from me, because when you do that to me, it not only hurts, but it makes me feel like I don't belong in a place where I finally feel like I can be myself.

Current mood: frustrated

2:55PM - LOL!

Dear Santa... Dear Santa, This year I've been busy! In November I helped tigerman hide a body (-173 points). Last month I ruled Iran as a kind and benevolent dictator (700 points). In May I pulled sabakitty's hair (-5 points). Last Tuesday I donated bone marrow to kipfox in a life-saving procedure (300 points). In August I gave terminotaur a Dutch Oven (-10 points). Overall, I've been nice (812 points). For Christmas I deserve an Easy-Bake Oven! Sincerely, Kahntiger

Current mood: silly